2014-05-21 14:33| 来源:环球托福

摘要: INDEPENDENT WRITING For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school 严师分析:这是一个在托福独立写作的教育题材中的经典话题。要做到有说服力并表
“For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school”
Different jobs have different requirements. Some professions like medical research and art performance demand more technical know-how than social skills, so I disagree with the opinion that the capability to socialize outweighs studying diligently in school.
严师对开头的点评:很沉稳的开头,ability to relate well to people被换成capability to socialize;studying hard 被换成studying diligently; more important than 被换成 outweigh; 另外technical know-how也是很好的特色用词。如果还要改进,可以再丰富一下,加一句,说明即便是在传统上认为与人打交道很重要的那些专业,如企业家,销售人员,管理人员等专业的学习,也由于信息科技的繁荣,知识更新速度的加快,对人的专业知识的积累提出了更高要求。
First of all, medical researchers are expected to  conduct experiments skillfully rather than relate well to people . From a beginner to a medical expert, one has a long way to go. On average it would take 5 years to finish medical bachelor degree for a Chinese student and subsequently another 3 years of master degree in research. The success in later years of research in medicine require the overall time and energy consumed  during the accumulation of know-how such as molecular biology, organic chemistry and clinical pharmacology.
严师点评2段:细节展开很出色,显示了丰富的词汇;例子很恰当。如果要改进变得更有说服力,还可以做一点对比推断,指出如果分出一部分精力社交,就会耽误最宝贵的用于学核心技能的时间精力,短期追求完美,长远却有害于自己的潜力充分发挥。另外know-how这个词不愿意重复可换成expertise, skills, techniques..
Moreover, if one wishes to be an eminent artist, the success rests with the prowess in art not in dealing with people. Lang lang, an outstanding pianist of the world, had kept on practicing each note as well as the movement of the great pianist, like Schuman, Beethoven, since he was determined to be a professional artist in school. Picasso does not have to be an expert in  communicating with different people because he is not supposed to be talk show host nor salesperson. All he needs to do is studying hard in painting school in Paris and equip with knowledge to master brush, color and canvass.
严师点评3段:eminent,prowess都是很赞的地道表达。deal with, communicate with用词变换也不错。例子很切题。如果要改进,对例子加工的深度还可以加大:是专注而不是分心;是投入而不是松懈;打造了世界级大师们的核心竞争力。studying hard如果想换,可以是devote to; dedicated to, commit oneself into..
Finally, studying hard not only provides the students with book knowledge but also the habit of diligence so it is more significant than social skills. Just as a famous saying goes :the diligence and excellence are  great habits. In school time, the priority should be given to learning because human beings were then at heyday of intelligence and memory. As for social skills, it is never too late to obtain even when one retired from work. In future career, no matter  what you did, it is inevitable that basical and advanced knowledge are also required if one employee wants to be promoted .Most importantly, since one has a sense of diligence cultivated since shooltime, one would outperform the workmates who is lazier and superficial.
严师点评4段:本段改进的点在于可以做个让步,指出那些认为专业知识的积累不如社交重要的人,往往是基于过去人们的现实做出的判断,而现如今随着互联网技术的繁荣,社交网站的盛行,人们积累朋友与社交资源的速度也大大加速;全球化更是让世界变小变平,只要有丰富的专业积累,总是有多种途径实现职业的突破,因而学生时代的重点更应该是academic achievement 而不是在无谓的聚会上浪费时间。
To sum up, I hold that studying hard is more important than relating with people because success in medical research and art performance lies in knowledge. In addition, studying hard helps students to become a qualified and diligent person who is favored for promotion by the superordinates. 
严师点评结尾:优点是有重申,语言准确也没有问题。改进之处是studying hard 重复严重,可以换 concentration on educational pursuits; stick to academic goals; input into professional skills; important 不必重复,可换 essential, vital, paramount, pivotal, crucial, critical等。要想提升说服力,还可加一句让步,指出社交的确可以让我们结识重要的人脉,但学生阶段的重点一定是核心竞争力,也就是学术成就- academic achievements.